Miracles

I know I shouldn't be saying this because it's not politically correct, but God still works miracles. I often look around at this world and wonder where we are going and how we got here. It can be so devastating to my peace of mind that I want to isolate myself from the chaos. It's so easy to run for cover and stay inside. But God wants to share His love with His creation, all of us, and He accomplishes this task through us. It can be as simple as saying Merry Christmas or as intimate as reaching out to someone with whom your relationship is broken. The greatest thing about sharing what He has put inside us is that we are changed in the process. Now that's a miracle.

Not Forgotten

A mother's heart is broken
A father's mind confused
Words cannot be spoken
The days we never choose.

As sadness overtakes us
Victims of life's pain
Honored in the memories
Of lives that yet remain.

Time will touch the sorrow
And brighten all our paths
We will walk into tomorrow
And treasure all we had.

July 2008
Dedicated to Nathan Haynes

Self Test Revelation

I thought there would be more response to this little exercise of self indulgence. There I go dreaming within the confines of reality again. Anyway, for those of you who took the test and are just too timid to express yourself in a public forum or so controlled by past rejection that the risk of future rejection is inconceivable, take note; that life boat has sailed and it's filled to capacity. No one is more aware of this fact than I am, I'm merely forcing myself to walk on the water. Safe is not walking with God, safe is responding to imagined fear. But mankind on a whole seems content to endure second best as long as we can control it. But God is looking for a different response and it will take us to a better place, a place without fear and self doubt.

On Saturday, October 18, 2008 my eyes were opened to the meaning of my list.

THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF: God has confirmed these in my spirit even though I consider them to be everyday, common place characteristics. They reveal the core of who I am. Everything else in my life is built around that core.

THINGS I DISLIKE ABOUT MYSELF: This group has to be reversed to grasp it's importance. For example, if I listed shy, the reverse would be brave. These are extraordinary characteristics that I do not possess. As a side note, I highly esteem these in others.

THINGS I HOPE WILL HAPPEN: None of the items I listed in this group can happen until the reversed characteristics in the previous group are developed in me. If I want to overcome the fear of trying new things I must be brave not shy. But I have to remember that God will develop these things in me and it's usually a slow process.

THINGS I HOPE WILL NOT HAPPEN: Simply put, fear. My fears usually walk hand in hand with the things I dislike about myself, areas of inadequacy. If I let God grow me into the person He wants me to be, my fear of the unknown wont seem so ominous. He wants to walk with me into my future and He loves me in spite of my past.

Story Worth Repeating

The Flame

After my oldest son graduated from high school, he spent five years working for an offshore drilling company. On occasion there would be transportation problems of one kind or another and good old dad would have to drive him to a helicopter pad or a boat dock in southern Louisiana. I especially loved the trips to the boat dock in Cameron. Most of the way we followed the coast line through sparsely populated areas, sometimes blanketed with late night or early morning fog.

The offshore life is quite simple, two weeks on and two weeks off. If I was the planned get-away man, I would usually get a call a couple of days before. If my son was being transported by boat there was always a wait at the dock. Weather conditions made it impossible to pin point his arrival, so reading material was a must.

The weekend before one particular pickup, I had performed a song in church about my daughter going off to college, later mentioning to the music department leader that I would like to record it. The day before my trip to Louisiana he called to talk about getting started on the song. I could not commit to a plan because I felt like I was not ready to put it out there yet. I ended the conversation with "I guess I'm just too much of a perfectionist". What was that? I'm sure he was shocked, I was shocked later as I thought about it. Why was I so timid in taking that step?

I left my home the next morning at 5:00 AM. I was armed with a good book, a notebook and a large coffee mug. I love to drive early in the morning, it's a great time to pray and think, and I had plenty to think about. As I turned south off of I-10 and headed for the coast, I heard the Holy Spirit speak to me, "your problem is not perfectionism, it's fear of failure brought on by rejection." I pulled to the side of the road and wrote the words in my notebook immediately. It all made so much sense now, there's no risk if I don't move, if I don't put myself out there. As I returned to the road, I was gripped by what I had heard and I knew that what I was trying to do was not going to be an easy task. Rejection had followed me from my childhood.

As I drove further, pondering this realization, I noticed a large orange glow on the horizon. As I topped each hill I noticed its intensity growing. I was very curious, what was causing this. As I topped the last hill I could see everything, a burn off flare on a tall tower. It illuminated the surrounding field like a small sun. I could see fences, cows, bushes and trees. As I looked in amazement the Holy Spirit spoke again, "you are not the flame, you are the tower. I am the flame. All you have to do is be the tower."
I have revisited this event in my mind many times over the years and it never fails to inspire me. My only job is to be available. I have learned two invaluable lessons from this experience:
1) God has called me to inspire others, through music, to seek a deeper relationship with Him.
2) It's not easy to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit because it goes against all that I believe about myself.

Politics

NOTE TO SELF: No matter how strongly I believe my world view to be true, I am only correct within my own skin.

Time's Up

Life can not be solved with a list, no one knows that better than me. I am the ultimate list maker. The only problem being I rarely follow my own lists. So when I first felt compelled to make a list of personal characteristics and hopes, I was a little hesitant, considering my track record. But upon seeing the results of waiting and seeking God’s understanding of my choices, I am both content and bewildered with the outcome; content in knowing that I am who I have become and bewildered with future options and possibilities; for to be wild is not a safe place at all and safe is what we are always trying to build around us. So look at your list and feel something beyond safe. Jump into the wildness that is the realm of the spirit and hear what God wants to tell you. If you feel like sharing what He has shown you about your list, leave a comment on my blog, a message on myspace or email me. PLEASE DO NOT SEND YOUR LIST. The individual elements of the list are not as important as the overall picture being painted.

Self Test

Yes, it's a test but there won't be a grade, only an observation. Please don't send your answers to me, this is for your benefit not mine. There is no time limit on this test, no correct or incorrect answers. Just get out a piece of paper and a writing instrument and copy these four categories. Spend some time making your list or do it in a hurry, which ever suits you. After you have finished your list spend some time reviewing your responses. Don't get in a hurry, let it reveal to you its secret. I was very surprised after three weeks. After a reasonable amount of time I will post my thoughts. Where did the test come from you may ask? It came out of years of desperately seeking God for answers about why I move through this life the way I do. Feel free to share this with others as you see fit, and remember, God is desperately seeking you also.

1. Things I like about myself.
2. Things I dislike about myself.
3. Things I hope will happen.
4. Things I hope will not happen.

You may begin.

The Storage Shed

My story is not unlike a lot of other guys my age; 28 years of marriage, children leaving the house and venturing out on their own, thoughts of "what else". This should be a time of settling in and enjoying the fruit of my labor, a long awaited and planned for rest or at least an easing off of the pressures of life. Nothing could be further from the truth. After one failed marriage, most of my young adult life spent in drug and alcohol abuse, many broken relationships, a couple of business ventures gone sour and a storage shed filled with unresolved emotional baggage, I feel like I'm just now getting started, that all the life behind me has just been a preparation for what lies ahead. Anyway, I've created a list of important statements of sorts, concepts that have halted the way I live my life and have caused me to look outside of myself for understanding.

• We are all at varying degrees of growth.
• Man will endure second best as long as he can control it.
• Waiting is not a bad thing only a hard thing.
• A vessel filled with itself is hard to be filled any further, it must first be emptied.
• My problem is not perfectionism, it's fear of failure brought on by past rejection.
• Sometimes God delays but He never disappoints.
• I've stopped climbing trees that I always fall out of.
• When you fail to reach out to another person with whom your relationship is broken, it shows that they are not important enough to risk further pain.

I'm ready to get started and push on to the end, how about you.

Control vs. Restoration

The hardest thing for me to admit is that I would rather be in control than be restored. I want my relationship with God restored, my relationship with family and friends restored, my original peace and happiness restored, but I want it my way. Come on, you feel the same way. And we must be restored to reach our full potential, to find our purpose (did everyone read the title banner). We say we want all that God has for us and we want to go deeper with Him, but do we really? If it means giving up control and abandoning ourselves to His will are we still willing? Are we willing to let Him dissolve our existence into Him?

A warrior gives his last battle it's due respect. It's only natural that his last act in the arena of battle should be the best of himself.

Carlos Castaneda, "Journey to Ixtlan"